I'm So Punny

Did you hear about that guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind.

I'm reading a book about gravity. It's impossible to put down.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play that game.

The girl quite her job at the doughnut factory because she was fed with the whole business.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

Don't trust people who do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a lazy Kangaroo? A pouch potato.

Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn't peeling well.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

What rock group has four members, but doesn't sing? Mount Rushmore.

What does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.

My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure where it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was a big oar deal.

                                                                                                     -Samantha Lyles