Distance: Freedom --> Halee Mills

Distance.  It makes us who we are.  It helps shape and mold who we become.  To me, distance is trust, safety and positivity.  To you, it might be the opposite. It might be dishonesty, desolation and horror.  It might be darkness, but to me, it is light. It shines and it triumphs. It wins.  It always wins. Distance means many things, but my definition of distance is loyalty through love, security and complete peace.

When I think of distance, I think of safety.  There was a time in my life when distance meant danger.  It was not a danger from someone else; it was danger from myself.  It was dangerous for me to be away from others because of fear of what I would do to myself.  I have come to love distance for what it is: safe. I lived in Montana for three years, and during those three years, people hurt me time after time.  Distance has protected me from those I once wanted to be near. It has pulled me away from people I trusted; my friends. At one time, they were all I had.  They were enough for me, but I suppose I was not enough for them. They hurt me in unimaginable ways. They lied to me, talked about me, belittled me to other people, hit me and used me.  The pain I went through being around them was worse than just about any pain you can imagine. I also had a boyfriend during my ninth grade year of high school. He was all you could want in a guy, or so it seemed.  He was polite, respectful, smart and funny. He had a great personality at first, but then I saw the other side of him. He hurt me. It was more than physical hurt. It was mental and emotional hurt. He manipulated me, cheated on me and threatened to hurt others if I did not comply with his demands.  He terrified me. I could not get away. When I tried to leave, he treated me even worse. He told me to end my life when he got angry and told me the world would be a better place without me in it. Those words hurt me, and I almost did what he told me. The pain and suffering he and others inflicted upon me were far worse than anything I had ever experienced in my life.  With distance though, I have been able to get away from them. I have been able to move back home to Arkansas and escape their snares and biting words. I have found safety in people and places in which I never thought I could find.

Loyalty is what distance truly is.  Loyalty is just, true and perfect. There is no wrong in loyalty.  It is always right. Love and loyalty go hand-in-hand. You cannot have loyalty without love.  While living in Montana, I met someone. He went to the same school and church as I did when I lived in Arkansas before the move, but I had no idea who he was.  We hit it off immediately. We began dating in July 2017 while I lived in Montana, and he lived in Arkansas. The states are 1,600 miles apart. That is about 26 hours of driving one-way.  It was difficult, but we made it through. There were countless phone calls, FaceTime calls and “I miss you” texts. The emotional toll the distance can take on one is hard, but it is worth it in the end.  After a year of dating, I found out I was moving back to Arkansas. I cried when I found out the news, and he did too. We were so excited. We knew our patience had finally paid off. Because we lived so far apart, we could not see each other.  Over a year, we only saw each other three times. We trusted each other, though. We knew neither of us would cheat, betray or hurt the other. We loved each other. We still love each other. We have been together for two years now and counting.  They have been the most wonderful two years of my life. Distance helped build and strengthen our relationship and helped us endure through all the late night calls that just were not the same as being face-to-face. We both know that the long months in between visits helped us grow and become who we needed to be for each other.  Without the distance, our relationship would not be the same. I believe the distance helped us mature and made us able to have even more faith and trust in each other. It made us stronger. Because of the distance, when we are apart, it is not as hard as it would be if we were not used to it. The distance was difficult, but now I see how beautiful it was.

Distance is peace.  It is silence and stillness.  It is comfort. When I left Montana, I finally felt peace.  A peace that had evaded me for three years finally returned.  I was not myself at first, but after experiencing the things I experienced, I know I will never be the way I used to be.  I am glad, though. I am glad I will never be the same. I am glad I am finally away from all the awful and horrendous things I had to experience for three years.  I am glad I am finally at peace. I never thought that true peace would come. I never thought that it would want to welcome me and call me a friend. All I have known are sadness, guilt, pain and hurt.  They were the only things I knew for years. Now, they are like strangers. They are distant. They are far away. With peace, I have time to reflect on the events of my day. I have time to think about what is important.  I have time to be by myself and love those around me. I am able to fully love and cherish everyone, and forgive those who wronged me. It was not easy to do at first, but everyone needs forgiveness. Forgiving those who hurt me brought me peace.  It lifted a heavy weight off of me, and the burden I once bore is gone now because of inner peace knowing they are forgiven. Before I took care of myself, I could not take care of anyone else. Now, with peace, I can be who I need to be for everyone, including me.

Distance. It made me who I am now, but it was painful.  Thankfully, it stepped in and took me away. It took me away from the bad friends and horrible boyfriend, and blessed me with the one guy I truly love and friendships that I know will last a lifetime.  It keeps me safe, secure and happy. It brought me peace in the midst of an awful storm. It taught me that the boundaries of trust have no limit. That it spans thousands of miles whose walls can never be torn down.  Distance is usually viewed as a negative word, but it has been the most positive thing I have ever experienced. Distance loved me and healed me. It was there when I needed it most. It set me free.