Today’s topic is something I have been struggling with lately. But let’s start from the beginning. All my life I’ve loved the arts everything from paintings to books even to theater (but only back stages, my anxiety likes it that way). When I was younger I would speed through books and just absorb every page. Don’t get me wrong I do that know but not as often. I picked up hobbies a lot like knitting, sewing, embroidery, painting, writing, and all that good stuff. For most of my life, I was a drawer. I have markers, upon markers. It was something I had always loved to do. But the thing was I could never think of what to draw on my own. I would spend hours going through Pinterest just finding things I wanted to paint. I could never sit down and just draw from my mind. Don’t get me started on my mind. It’s like a roller coaster on drugs. I know that’s not possible but in my mind it is. Okay back to the original plot of this whole story. I could sit down for hours and the page would still be blank. Eventually my patients wore out. I stopped drawing. Due to not having a clue what to do without help with the not being able to love what I did create. I struggled and still due with not using my full potential. I’m not really sure what that potential is just yet but I just want to get there. But it doesn’t just stop with drawing or painting. I’ve found a new love these past couple years. Writing, I've always loved books especially fantasy it was an escape from all the craziness. I felt like I wanted to do that for myself. It’s different being lost in a book and being lost in something that you have complete control over. Anything can happen and I think that’s what scares me the most. Not know where to take it. I’ve read plenty of books I love and a part of me is jealous. I know these are published authors but just seeing them live my dream hurts me. To not be able to put what I want to see in my own words. A lot of the time I try to keep things in, I find it better that way. I know it’s not the same and it’s taken these people years but it’s just hard. Not knowing how to do something that means a lot to you, just feels weird. I’ve always heard that you needed to write what you want, but I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I want something and I don’t know how to get it. Anyways enjoyed my creative crisis.
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