TINY- Bethany Pace (Last Part, 4)

My piece of mind seemed to deteriorate while I was smiling.
Maybe I didn't notice, but everyone else did.
It was clear to see, but ignorance is bliss.
My façade, my smile, my happiness
It grew tiny.

My patience became tiny.

My tolerance was tiny.

My anger was large..

My texts were long.

His responses were short.

Miserable.
Miserable.
All I had to do was wait.
Sit and wait.
I watched as my entire branch was uprooted and broke off.
It didn't just break on its own.
I sat and watched the one I loved break it off.
Silence.
Snap, Snap.
Rip it out.
Ripped me out of his life.
Watched me plummet.
He didn't care.
My understanding was tiny.


Everything I loved tore me apart.
Everything I ever wanted left me.
The only thing I could count on was the uncomforting feeling of the darkness that surrounded me.
No one was there to understand.
The clouds shifted over my scene.
The light grew tiny.


I couldn't move.
I didn't go anywhere.
In fear that if I crawled out, he would come back to look for me.
And maybe when he came back he would want me back.
And so I didn't leave.
I waited, and I waited, and I waited.
I became numb,
My reasoning was tiny.


He came back.
No rejoicing, no healing.
Melancholy smiles.
Tears.
The same amount of pain, broken trust, and nothing that could've been fixed.
We just viewed each other from afar.
He swore he loved me, he swore he wouldn't leave.
And I pretended to believe.
I pretended that I was put back together.
Pressure in my chest grew.
My lies weren't tiny.

It wouldn't work again, no matter how bad I tried.
I got nothing in return.
A lot of numb feelings.
A touch full of broken shards instead of butterflies.
The hope that we would work was tiny.


He ran full fledge from the hole.
No back tracks.
Just the sound of someone walking on leaves, sticks breaking, someone running.
In the other direction.
The person I cared the most for.
I didn't watch them walk away, I just listened as my whole world fell apart.
I listened as my heart dropped.
I listened as I screamed.
I listened to the sound of my knuckles hitting the walls.
I listened to the barrier I was being held in collapse and fall on top of me.
I knew it was over.
I knew we were finished.
I knew that my entire life was collapsing. 
I couldn't move, my strength was tiny.


I slowly picked myself back up.
Broken piece by piece.
Shard by shard.
Tear by tear.
I stood in complete silence.
Disbelief,
I had nothing left but myself.
So I remembered the sound, the way he walked. 
I dug my nails in the walls, climbed my way out of my self-made pit.
And I walked in the other direction.
On new leaves.
On unbroken sticks.
To find my own path.
My knowledge about where I AM going is very tiny.

I haven't ever wanted my story to end there.
With a boy.
With love.
Like a semicolon, the sentence continued where it could've stopped.
My story will continue past this.
Past the darkness, past my grave, past my false hope.
Past the people who shouldn’t of torn me down.
The view of who I once was is so tiny, that person can't even be viewed with a microscope.

So my grandfather was wrong.
Tiny was just a word, just a nickname.
It had no ties to me.
It has no ties to me.
My soul is large
My feelings are large
My future is large
Me?
No.
I'm not tiny.