TINY- Bethany Pace (Part 3)

I rummaged through empty spaces and meaningless places for answers.
Every page of the story having a different conclusion.
Everyday having a lower weight.
Every hour concluding to a new thought about how to stop it all.
I turned every moment of my life into a bad one.
If the world was still spinning, if I felt any shift at all it was tiny.

At 15,
I found redemption in change.
New hallways, new faces, a new hand to hold.
I was the new girl.
I reinvented myself into someone that couldn't possibly raise questions about my state of mind.
“You're okay as long as they think you're okay”
My actual personality was shoved deep down into a crevice until it was wrinkled to where no one could see, it was tiny.

I developed into someone I wasn't for such a short period of time. 
It was like someone was going to fling a rubber band, and instead of letting it fly, they stretched it so thin that it broke.
I snapped, I broke.
And the pieces were tiny.


Where was I to go from there?
Steadily, like rocks upon a window, I could exhibit how I felt. 
Eventually rocks turned into stones, stones turned into boulders, and boulders turned into mountains.
My sight of reality was tiny.


Minutes, hours, days..
I couldn't get past a certain thought all day.
Fogging up my mind, but I didn't care.
I finally felt warmth, light pulling me out of the grave I dug for myself.
I wanted to go towards it.
I let it happen, I let another person pull me out.
My sense had seemingly grown tiny.


Love clouded my eyes like cataracts, that I didn't want removed.
Affection, touch, warmth.
He picked me out of my grave, but we were still standing near the hole. 
Hanging onto a branch that loosely held our weight.
At any moment it could snap and I would be thrown down, but this time with bruises and cuts. 
But I never looked down.
The hole had grown tiny in my thoughts.


I was so happy.
So much happier than I had been.
I took him like poison, like drugs.
Poison hidden in a water bottle.
I clearly could have seen it, but I didn't look.
I refused.
I didn't listen to anyone.
Shushed them as they cried
 “poison! It’s poison! He’s poison!”
The love I had for him wasn't tiny.


Maybe it was a few months later, a few minutes later?
I was gripping a pillow, I was biting my nails, I was driving my hands into my wrists, I was biting the inside of my cheek.
I did what I could to keep it alive.
I was happy, we were so happy.
What happened?
The roots of the branch were growing tiny.