Ninth Blog - Tatum Tornkvist

New Vent. So I've been dealing with a lot lately, my dad got back from the hospital but I'm still worried sick about him. Now my aunt has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. So far this year has been holding a lot of medical issues and I hope that no one else experiences any. Although only god knows what's in store. The other day my Anxiety got up along with obsessive thoughts of things I've done in the past. What I could have done, and what I should have done differently. I'm a realist, I usually keep to myself and just think constantly. To me, my choices matter I believe in the butterfly effect after all. Basically it's the belief that each choice leads to consequences and more choices in the future. I take a 10 mg dosage of Anxiety medication but I thought it worked faster and took three and got sick. I had to talk to Misty and Dad the rest of the day because they were worried about me. I'm actually getting sick and tired of anxiety and ocd bringing me down. I can't talk to people without getting nervous. I can't give people money without getting nervous. I can't speak my mind or interact right or even stand in a crowd without the nagging feeling that everyone's staring and judging my every being. Yes I have counseling, so there's not too much to worry about. I just hate it. I want to feel normal and be comfortable with doing things like socializing. But I feel like if I say the wrong thing or do something different everyone's going to chew me up and spit me out the moment I talk. It's like the choking feeling that you're in a tiny lifeboat filled with the people you know. Having the feeling that if you wear or say the wrong thing. They'll throw you over the side so all you can do is hug your knees and keep to yourself. I'm not saying that Riverside isn't a very nice place. Of course Riverside is a good place, and I enjoy being around people I know and the kids are actually nice. I just  hate the feeling so much that I want to cry. I manage to push through though and I've been learning that everyone's not so bad and judgmental as I think they are. Well, that's my vent for tonight. I hope everyone's having a good night.  - Tatum Tornkvist